“Now he’s in purple, now he’s a turtle, disintegrating”

 

purple room

As promised, the day after my interrogation, a car was sent over from Utilico’s lawyers, Fastbuck Made. I was driven over to some huge swanky modern offices in Canary Wharf.

I was taken to a small but perfectly formed meeting room decked out in purple. I was given some very strong coffee. I couldn’t help wondering if they too had shipped a super duper espresso machine from the States costing over $20,000 like Utilico.

Soon the lawyer assigned to me, Eve Asion, arrived. She presented me with a pre-prepared statement and suggested I read it. She then disappeared. I tried to read it but my mind kept wandering. And the purpleness of the room started to hurt my eyes. Not my favourite colour!

The statement was just full of words like I just take the minutes of Board meetings and the like. I don’t prepare paperwork. I don’t play a part in decisions. I don’t recall the detail of meetings four years ago – or even more recently. The minutes are there on record and so on and so on.

I wasn’t sure whether this was likely to get me in more trouble than singing like a canary. All that was running through my head was that I do know things – of course I do.

My head felt like it was going to explode. I didn’t know whether to scream or whether to curl up into a ball. Why was this happening to me? How had I let this happen? Why had I stood by and watched things I knew were wrong just happen?

These thoughts of course were not helpful at that point.

Eve Asion came back into the room and asked me if I had read it and was ready to sign it. I tried to tell her that I did know things and wasn’t comfortable signing it.

But she just told me it was in everyone’s best interests my own included to sign it.

So guess what I did?

The Longest Day

Paddington Green Police Station

Well I don’t really know whether to tell you about my first day back at work after my enforced incommunicado. Or about my experience after that fateful night!

But I suppose I ought to reflect on what followed the police raid.

After being unceremoniously bundled into a Black Maria, I was taken to Paddington Green Police Station. Entering that station I suddenly came out in a cold sweat. I thought they only interviewed – or should that be interrogated – terror suspects there! My mind started racing about what Utilico might be into. We haven’t been involved in money laundering for an arms race have we?

Anyway I was put in a cell – on my own – where I just had to wait for hours. I had no idea where anyone else was. I was told at the beginning that I would be seen as soon as possible. When I politely asked how long that might be, the Police Constable escorting me just smirked and shrugged his shoulders.

How the time dragged whilst I was in there. Of course various things had been taken from me – like my Blackberry, my personal phone and my wallet. I didn’t even know the time as I rarely wear a watch these days. My head started banging from all the alcohol I’d consumed and I was desperate for a drink of water.

I didn’t really think about what might happen next which of course I should have done.

So when they eventually came to collect me and took me to a room for questioning I didn’t know what to do or to say. I didn’t know what my rights were. Clearly I’ve wasted a lot of my life watching crime dramas. They all kept flashing through my head. But all they have done is confuse me about what it might really be like. Should I be expecting a True Detective or Homeland type conspiracy? Or was it more like Sherlock? Or Broadchurch? Or would it be more old school like the Bill? Or even Heartbeat? Or would I be subjected to psychological pressure like Cracker? Would it be a woman like Jane Tennison in Prime Suspect? I’m pretty sure that would kill my admiration for Helen Mirren!

Did I need a lawyer there? Was I entitled to one? There were two police officers there – a man and a woman. They introduced themselves as Detective Inspector Kat Aspertion and Detective Sergeant Ian Quest. She did look a bit like Helen Mirren! I asked them whether I should have a lawyer present. They asked me whether I needed one…did I have anything to hide?… I was only helping them with their inquiries….. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time…. They were sure I wanted this over quickly and could get home…getting a lawyer there would delay things unnecessarily.

I thought about this and decided I did want someone there. They offered me a duty solicitor.

It was at this moment that it suddenly dawned on me what that risk bloke from Head Office in Basel was banging on about when he talked about risk management and contingency planning and reputation management. I should know what to do in a situation like this and how best to protect the company’s interests. But I didn’t!

But I do remember, being company secretary, who Utilico’s lawyers are – Fastbuck Made. So I decide to ask to ring them and see what they advised.

It transpired later that of course that is the first thing Alec Smart, our Chief Executive, had done. Fastbuck Made had in fact been trying to insist that they represent everyone and had already sent a team of lawyers down. So there would have been no delay.

So anyway, there I was – suddenly accompanied by a lawyer from Fastbuck Made called Eve Asion.

Before I knew it I was bundled into another room. A very scary looking Police Constable was watching over me. I tried to make a few pleasantries – a bit of small talk – but he just stared at me like I was something the cat had dragged in. I decided that bit was more tortuous than spending hours in a police cell. At least I was on my own in there.

What seemed like an age later, someone came to the door and the PC went out. Eve Asion came in. She told me that they had lots of questions to put to me about what I did or didn’t know about certain contracts and dealings of Utilico. I started to blubber all sorts of things out to her. She just looked at me in a very deadpan way and said: “Ian, just shut up for a moment. Here is our strategy. You simply say ‘no comment’ to every single question.” I wasn’t happy with that and said that I thought silence wasn’t permissible anymore. She told me that it was – but that it can make it more awkward if things ever came to court. But that she was there to make sure that didn’t happen. And in the unlikely event it did, we could make sure the defence was robust and that the prosecution couldn’t use things that had been pressured out of the likes of me, or said without thought.

All of this really scared me but I thought I had better go along with it. After all, we paid Fastbuck Made a huge amount of money so they must know best. I did however ask what would happen if I said ‘no comment’ to every question. She said they would probably release me and allow me to come back in a day or so to give a witness statement – which we could prepare in advance.

We then went back into the room with the DI and the DS. The interview went something like this:

DI Kat Aspertion : This interview is being taped under the Police & Criminal Evidence Act…blah blah blah…for the benefit of the tape can you confirm that your name is Ian Different and you are Company Secretay of Utilico?

Me: No comment

Eve Asion: No Ian you can answer that question.

Me: Yes

DI Kat Aspertion : I do hope this isn’t going to be a course that the interview will follow. Can you recall being present at a meeting of Utlico’s Board on 5 September 2010?

Me: No comment

DI Kat Aspertion : Can you recall that at this meeting Utilico was discussing its bid for a government contract…blah blah blah…

Me: No comment

DI Kat Aspertion : Do you recall at or around this meeting anyone discussing bribes or inside information…blah blah blah…

Me: No comment

This game of ping pong went on for quite some time. Then DI Kat Aspertion said; “This is getting us nowhere. You can go home but you must go nowhere near any of Utilico’s premises and must not make any contact with anyone from, or connected to, Utilico. You will be accompanied by a police officer who will remove from your home any communication devices. You will be recalled for interview again in a few days and we expect some answers.

I started to mutter something about surely I could speak to my lawyer and how could I contact my family and friends if I don’t have a phone and so on. DI Kat Aspertion just pointed out that was my look out and she would see me soon.

With that I was out of there. I had to sign a few forms and was escorted home as she said. Eve Asion just told me she would be in touch. “But how?” I asked “if I can’t communicate”. She said: “Don’t go anywhere. Get some sleep. We will send a car over tomorrow.

When I got home, it was late the next day – a full 24 hours had passed since the raid. Truly the longest day of my life so far!

Subbuteo

subbuteo

I haven’t posted for a while because I had all my electronic devices confiscated! Both work and personal! I’ve been incommunicado. Something that last happened to me when I was in my early twenties before the mobile era! And I’ve been confined to home.

Anyway, I now have some technological devices back so I can up-date you on the state of play at Utilico.

My last post seems like another lifetime ago! The Football World Cup was about to start and the excitement here in the UK was palpable.

How quickly things change.

If you recall, I was hoping to watch the World Cup opener in the office on the world’s biggest highest definition indoor screen with super surround sound – washed down by fine wines and beers from around the world – and sumptuous international cuisine. And to be chauffeur driven home at the company’s expense. But sadly it all fizzled out as the word on the (Fleet) street was that Utilico was about to be raided by the police.

So I watched the opening game on my own at home on a tiny screen with a takeaway and a couple of cans of cheap lager. A far cry from what I was expecting.

And of course, for England’s opening game against Italy on the Saturday, nobody was in the mood to utilise Utilico’s facilities either – although we had not been raided.

By the Thursday, spirits were a bit higher. Still no raid. So we all decided to watch England v Uruguay in the office. The food and drinks were flowing and it was a good old party atmosphere. Our hopes were dented by Liverpool’s Luis Suarez’s opening goal but suddenly good old Wayne Rooney gave us false hope. The talk all changed from how useless he was these days to what a brilliant player he is.

Some of course were only there for the food and drink – having very little interest in the football. I noticed Alec Smart our Chief Executive disappear after Rooney scored. He pretends to like football. But I’ve always had my suspicions that his supposed passion is only to ingratiate himself with people and give him a common touch.

Anyway of course, our rekindled hopes were soon dashed as the mercurial Suarez scored again. We watched the rest of the game getting more and more dejected.

Eddie Smooth, our Marketing & Sales Director was apoplectic with fury about the poor performance of the England team. All that money chucked at those lazy, good for nothing, prima donnas. Never done a day’s work in their lives. Not worth minimum wage. And so on. Coming from Eddie of course this is hilarious. Eddie doesn’t appear like a man who has ever worked hard for a living. And it is funny but whenever it comes to spending a fortune on a marketing campaign, results don’t seem to be relevant.

Tony Wall our Finance Director and Liverpool FC supporter, was pleased that Rooney scored but was muttering menaces about Steven Gerrard and Suarez. If you recall, Tony comes from Liverpool and is rumoured to have some kind of underworld connection to Gerrard.

Lyle Clean our unctuous Head of PR claims to be a Fulham fan. Again he sways with the wind depending on who he is talking to. If it is Lord Ambrosia our Vice-Chair it’s all about cricket. And if talking to Sir John Fuller-Pomp, our Chair, then it’s golf.

None of our non-executives were there. Brian Careful dislikes football. Gloria Ewes dislikes it even more so. For her though it is all about the “horrible kit – all that nylon – eugghhhhh! Why on earth would good looking, fit, rich, young men want to dress like that?” It seems to be lost on her that they are only rich because they wear that kit. And they wear that kit because it is practical not because it’s chic or exclusive.

And of course Al Mann has managed to swing an all expenses paid trip to Brazil to watch the World Cup. We are not sure who paid for him but have a sneaking suspicion that it is something to do with his role on the local Council planning committee.

Our reactions at the end of the game were varied. I felt like going home but some others were hell-bent on drinking the place dry. I hung around a while longer wondering when it was okay to slip away.

Then mayhem ensued. That threatened police raid took place. Suddenly there were police swarming all over the place – shoving doors open, grabbing people.

I slowly realised where Alec had gone. He was in his very palatial office with Sheila Gree, our Head of HR, taking advantage of his capacious leather topped desk. And no! They were not playing Subbuteo! Good job it is a very solid mahogany desk. Otherwise it would never have taken the portly frame of Alec! The sight of Sheila and Alec in scoring positions will never leave me. Ever! I already had a rather horrible image in my head with Lyle’s “a pig poking a pigeon”. But I was not prepared for the haunting vision that greeted me when the door was kicked in. I resolved there and then to visit the gym more.

It seemed to take far too long to cover the pair of them up. Eventually however we were all bundled out of the building and into waiting police cars. I had always wondered what it was like to have a policeman shove your head down and push you into a car. Now I know – and wish I didn’t.

I’ve blocked out what happened next. I might build up my strength to tell you about it in a few days. But right now I’m going to have a few stiff drinks because I have just been informed by a police visitation that I can attend work in the morning.

How unlucky am I? I have been off work – on enforced leave – for over 3 weeks. 3 weeks when there has been the World Cup, Wimbledon and now the Tour de France. And lots of glorious weather. Sure I’ve watched a lot of sport and even managed to get a bit of colour into my normally lily-white face and body, but I’ve been scared stiff about what has been happening. Plus England were out of the World Cup at the first hurdle, Murray failed to win Wimbledon, and the Brits are enjoying mixed fortunes in the Tour.

Board games and Brazilians

Brazil flag

Well Board day has arrived, preceded by the normal flurry of paper work and shenanigans over whether or not Russell Blow, our Internal Auditor, would try to present a paper on the progress of his investigation into our alleged fraudulent charging practices on some of our government contracts. Remember there was to be NO paperwork on this investigation.

The Board members arrive in their usual dribs and drabs on or after 10am. Gloria Ewes as always making the most dramatic entrance loudly and rudely demanding of my assistant Sunil View: “my usual darling – super skinny lactofree decaff flat white”. Does she think he is some kind of flunky? To which the normally inscrutable non-executive director Brian Careful raised an eyebrow. And was that a glower in Gloria’s direction? This is a side of Brian I’ve not seen before. Gloria saw it and stared back at Brian coldly. As Sunil handed Gloria her coffee she ever so slightly jogged the full cup so some spilled into the saucer. She immediately barked: “another! I can’t bear coffee in the saucer”. Sunil’s normally relaxed manner tensed. At which point Brian stepped forward and engaged Sunil in conversation so that he couldn’t either respond or get her another coffee. Nice move I think to myself. Gloria tuts and decides to drink it anyway – making a big fuss to mop up the spilled liquid with a serviette.

As the Board members ease themselves into the Eames leather chairs around the solid black mahogany table there is a palpable excitement in the air. Sadly not because of the meeting’s agenda but because of the imminent start of the World Cup. I overhear Eddie Smooth, our Marketing and Sales Director, explaining to Lord Ambrosia that he is already working on a plan to win security contracts in the event the 2022 World Cup comes to the UK – apparently on the lines of how we were awarded all the security contracts for the 2015 Rugby World Cup…..

We are about to start and I realise Al Mann isn’t there. Sir John announces that he has received a text from Al that morning saying that he is in Brazil. Eddie guffaws loudly and says: “jammy bugger! Wonder how he swung that one? Bet someone else is paying for it. And wonder how he is getting on with the Brazilians”. Gloria suddenly looks up from her tutting: “Who has had a Brazilian? They really are a bit painful!”. At which point I think Eddie is going to explode with laughter. The thought of Gloria having a Brazilian is not one I’m really wanting to contemplate. I’m assuming no one else does either as no one laughs.

Sir John Fuller-Pomp, our Chairman, steps in and starts the meeting. It follows the standard form for our Board meetings. Today Sir John is on top form. Witty, charming and sharp. This fine weather must agree with him.

However, he presides like a referee in a one sided football match. Clearly the executives are the on-form home side with all the advantages. Alec Smart, our Chief Executive, as their centre forward, is being fed by quick interplay from the rest of his executive team, with quality short passes and one twos aimed at stretching and rattling the hard pressed non-executives. The non-executives in their turn are finding it hard to get their game together. Their questioning of the business performance gives the executives even more opportunity to give glowing, complete and comprehensive answers to some of the more probing questions.

Alec in majestic form delivers an overview of the main events since the last meeting – drawing out the highlights from his business report, areas of notable success where we have either won more business or retained business. The other executives are contributing in turn as if receiving invisible passes. Meanwhile although the non- executives interrupt successfully, they immediately lose the ball back to the executives with sloppy, poorly constructed questions. But throughout this, Brian Careful – like a latter-day Bobby Moore – stands firm and cool against the good news barrage. His well-timed interjections draw together evidence from the paper reports and the executives’ own verbal explanations. He alone today is in a different league to his non-executive colleagues.

Despite the pretty picture painted by Alec and Eddie, ably backed by our nefarious Finance Director Tony Wall and our blinkered Operation’s Director Will Full, Brian’s few but well-chosen words are worrying me about whether Utilico’s business model is sustainable. Alec is puffing up about how well we are performing on a particular government contract. But oh no, it is an own goal. Brian points out that that is the contract most under scrutiny from the police and the Serious Fraud Office.

At which point Sir John blows the whistle for half time (I mean coffee) and nods to me to go and get Russell Blow. While the teams get up to get their refreshments I wonder what kind of reception Russell is likely to get.

The Board reconvenes.Russell is invited to sit beside Sir John. Sir John introduces him. Lord Ambrosia throws in a cheap shot about auditors not knowing anything about anything but instead just meddle after the event trying to second guess events they wouldn’t have a clue how to deal with at the time. Russell smiles and draws breath. He is just about to report progress on the alleged wrong doing. Then somewhere the Dambusters Theme rings from a mobile phone. Lyle for once looks embarrassed. He delves inside his beautiful shocking pink silk lined Savile Row suit jacket to retrieve the offending item, excuses himself and steps outside the room. Russell begins – reminding the Board who he is, who he reports to, and the terms of reference for his investigation. At that moment Lyle returns to the meeting. Ashen faced he delivers the Hand of God. He announces that he has received a tip off from his contact at the Moon newspaper that a police raid is imminent. Alec requests that the meeting be adjourned immediately. Sir John nods. Brian seizes the moment and calmly suggests that he might convene an urgent Audit Committee to receive and act upon Russell’s full report. There is no dissent from the Board – everyone looks too shocked to take it in. It has been treated rather too much as a joke to date. I think they all thought it would simply go away.

Quietly the executives as one beat a hasty retreat from the room.

I remain and watch. Russell stands, nods at me then Brian, and leaves. Brian watches him strut out. Gloria looks at her diamond encrusted watch. Barely acknowledging the existence of anyone else in the room she still manages to order Sunil to: “carry these” – meaning her copious shopping bags from various high end retailers. As she leaves I imagine her calculating the shopping time she has before she flies back across the pond. Lord Ambrosia announces: “bloody interfering busy bodies, no wonder this country is in the state it’s in. But time for a spot of luncheon Johnny Boy?” meaning Sir John. They leave, Sir John’s arm over Lord Ambrosia’s shoulder.

So now it’s only me and Brian. Switching off his laptop (he won’t have an i-Pad as he needs a fully functioning computer – with spreadsheets and analytical software), Brian slowly and deliberately gathers his things, stands, then walks to the door. He stops and turns to me. He fixes me in a stare. I feel distinctly uncomfortable. Then before turning to go he utters the words softly – “Remember be careful. Be very careful. That which is regretted today may be regretted again tomorrow”.

Oh dear I think. How is this all going to end? And in the meantime, it has really not put me in the right mood or place for tonight’s World Cup opener. I have come all prepared to stay at the office until the early hours. I thought lots of us would be putting our civvies on and would watch it all on the world’s biggest highest definition indoor screen with super surround sound – washed down by fine wines and beers from around the world – and sumptuous international cuisine. With cars to take us home at the company’s expense. But what now? I may well have to go home.

Fancy footwork

Image

A week away from our next Board meeting. And what day is the Board meeting? Thursday 12 June. Yes – Thursday 12 June. The day that the World Cup kicks off! And I will not be gearing up to it in the way I like best. I don’t like to let things like work distract me at such important times in my life and in the world’s sporting calendar!

Fortunately it is evening here in London before the action takes place. But still. And I’m lucky to be working for Utilico where most meetings are in the day and our Chair likes things to be over very quickly. And of course our only woman non-executive, Gloria Ewes, likes the meetings to be over very quickly too so she can get some serious retail therapy in before we jet her back off to the US. Though she detests football and so may wish to delay matters just to spite us all. Though I doubt it – she isn’t petty minded. I have worked for organisations where meetings are in the evening and have even been known to be at work past midnight. Crazy! What is that all about?

You can see I’m getting uncharacteristically excited about the World Cup. There’s not much that gets me excited. But football has that uncanny ability to turn me into a crazed man. And one of the few benefits of working for a sexist, misogynist organisation is that it’s accepted that work will have to fit around the footie! The four yearly refit of the Boardroom is complete. The world’s biggest highest definition indoor screen is installed with super surround sound. In fact there couldn’t be a better place to watch, save for the idiots I will have to watch it with there. But it should be eminently safer than the streets of Brazil even with the sinister Lyle Clean in attendance.

But calm down. It is a week away yet. But I am just so in awe of this magnificent technology. At moments like this I almost love my job!

And back to fun and games at Utilico. There has been a huge amount of toing and froing about the Board papers. Russell Blow, our internal auditor, is attending by special concession to talk about his investigation into the alleged fraud on government contracts. He of course wants to put various papers to the Board. But our Chief Executive and all our directors have made it quite clear to me in no uncertain terms that that cannot happen. There is to be NO paperwork about the investigation.

So I have had to be extra elusive this week and employ all my wiliness. My administrator Sunil View has had to be the bearer of much bad news to Russell about such things as my sudden trips to the dentist, need for haircuts, in-growing toenail, and I can’t tell you how much trouble I’ve had with technology – my blackberry, my desktop, my i-Pad – all malfunctioned this week. Can you believe the bad luck I’ve had?

Anyway, the upshot is that the Board pack has to go out today and I haven’t received Russell’s papers. Some of our non-executives are sticklers for agendas and papers going out on time. Brian Careful our Chair of Audit Committee is chief amongst them. So oh dear – out the pack goes with Russell’s investigation down as an item for discussion only with no paperwork.

I shall now shoot out of the office faster than a Ronaldo goal before Russell or Brian try to catch me. Or probably more like a Bobby Charlton cannon ball!

No news is good news…?

Sorry I’ve not been posting for a couple of weeks. First it was man flu, then the FA Cup Final, then bank holiday…never ending excuses.   But also things seem to have gone quiet.

If you remember, earlier this month we had a serious situation with Brian Careful, our non-executive Chair of Audit Committee who was threatening to resign – or worse report us to Head Office in Basel.   Fortunately, Lyle Clean our Head of PR managed to get our Chair and Vice-Chair, Sir John Fuller-Pomp and Lord Ambrosia, to take Brian seriously and they have been on a charm offensive with him.   I’m not convinced it will work for that long but it does seem to have done the trick for now. Brian is still ‘on board’.   But at what cost? It is only two weeks until our next Board meeting and they have agreed that Russell Blow, the internal auditor from Group Audit Guild at Head Office in Basel, can come along to report on his investigation into our alleged fraud on government contracts. I’m sure that is going to be a very interesting meeting. I’m equally sure Sir John and Lord Ambrosia will regret allowing this. But then again what else could they do to convince Brian they take the alleged fraud, audits, and Brian’s concerns about the executive ganging up on him, seriously.   Russell of course is REALLY pleased to be invited to Board. He has been badgering me about it non-stop since he learned the news.

He’s also been bothering me for Board papers and minutes, contracts and agreements. I’m being as helpful as I can or feel I can. So far I’ve been pretty impressed with what he’s been asking for. Of course every now and then I need to give him a lead. It’s actually quite entertaining observing him at work. As a good auditor he does a lot of listening. Which of course means that when he’s with me there’s not a lot said. But I’ve already started to see some people dig themselves holes and I’m kind of hoping that’s where they will bury themselves.

I’ve sat in on a couple of his meetings, in particular those with Lord Ambrosia and Sir John. Despite their high powered lifestyles, they seem a little naive. They think that Russell is on their side. The first thing to remember about auditors is that no one likes them except other auditors. Which means that if they are any good, integrity and independence ooze from them. This seems to be particularly true of the internal kind who do the job for love not money and haven’t been seduced by expense account lunches, fine wines, select clubs, luxury cars, Caribbean holidays, partnership status and inviting bonuses.

Meanwhile the press seem to be focusing more on our competitors – and one in particular that has a sex scandal going on. I’m sure we have lots of our own but the current intrigue is with our prime suspect Lyle Clean. Strange as it may seem he believes that Red Shoes is going to forsake her ‘journalistic’ role at the Moon and come to work under him in the PR team! That could be some kind of pyrrhic victory for Lyle. Sex and judgement never were good bedfellows – ask some of our MPs!

And talking of bedfellows I’ve just spotted Alec, our Chief Executive, and Sheila Gree, Head of Human Remains, leaving the building, baggage in tow. After checking their diaries I see they are off to attend a CEO symposium for the world’s leading facilities management companies which is being held in Moscow – the world heritage site for openness and transparency I’m sure. No doubt Alec will come back full of anecdotes. Though I doubt he will actually attend anything but lunches and dinners.

Meanwhile I’m looking forward to a wet weekend!

Man Flu

Well I’ve got Man Flu. You know what that’s like? Misery I can tell you! Well I don’t need to if you’re a man. But you women – you just don’t get it. Let me just indulge you in a short description of the symptoms. Running nose, cough, lethargy and short temper. For those of you with a male partner you might think that isn’t much different from a common cold. But it’s the emotional side which is toughest. You need sympathy. You need attention. You need to watch the footy – which is all pretty bad timing as the English football season is almost over except for the FA Cup Final which is on Saturday! Looking forward to it – Arsenal v Hull.

Somehow I think my flu will last till then at least. Hey but all is not lost. It’s the World Cup this summer. I’m feeling better (I mean worse) already. Six weeks of non-stop international football and no doubt recurring flu. But that also means those self opinionated pundits, AKA my Board, will go on ad nauseum about it. Let’s hope that something exciting happens before then. Maybe the SFO really will give us a going over, or Basel will show some balls to get to the bottom of what has been going on. Either way, as they say, “I know where the bodies are buried” and I’ve got the papers to prove it. If there is one thing I’ve learnt at Utilico it’s the art of self preservation.

So that’s me done for this week. Short and sweet. Leave me to the ever watchable Friends and the Simpsons while I get over this most debilitating of illnesses. I’ve not yet resorted to Jeremy Kyle. Think it would be time to get back to work if so! Oh and whilst I suffer you might like to share your remedies with me??