I’m sorry – it has been a long time since I last posted. In truth I’ve been away for a couple of weeks getting some winter sun and have only just returned to the office since before Christmas. I don’t get paid enough and am not adventurous enough for skiing so it was a cheap package holiday for me.
So what has occurred since my last post?
Well the annual Christmas party for one thing.
Alec Smart, our Chief Executive, was keen that Utilico wasn’t seen to be being too opulent at a time when we are being investigated for fraud on government contracts. So the decision was made to have the Head Office party at our HQ. To be honest, our offices are more luxurious than most London hotels but that’s by the by.
The party started well enough. Alec gave a cringeworthy speech to us all in the refectory area over a glass of rather fine champagne. We’d all done really well, a challenging year, blah, blah, blah.
Sumptious food and lavish wines and beers were then on offer as per usual at any company event. No cheap plonk for us. Oh no – fine French wines and champagne. Lyle Clean our lothario Head of PR just loves sidling up to our female members of staff with a bottle in his hand oozing “Chateau Pussygoer” at them. No cans of Carlsberg for us either. Instead special Christmas brews from around the world. And no sausage rolls and Scotch eggs. Posh canapés with labels such as: ‘Quails Egg & Parma Ham Tartlet’, ‘Beef Carpaccio & Wasabi Mayo on a Sourdough Croute’, ‘Pea, Mint & Ham Crostini’, ‘Dill Scone topped with Smoked Trout & Horseradish Cream’ and ‘Filo Baskets with Spicy Coriander Prawns’.
So with all the free booze on offer, it wasn’t long after Alec’s pep talk that the party’s trajectory was downwards – and fast.
Those that bothered to turn up for work the next day were turned away. The odour of booze, fags and worse was palpable when you walked through the front door. It took a team of cleaners all day to clear it up.
But the ramifications went deeper than that. We are still finding some intriguing pictures behind the photocopiers. Not being too well versed in pornography or too world wise in my ways, I had no idea that body parts came in such a wide array of shapes and sizes. And the staff in our London HQ can’t exactly be considered diverse.
A couple of staff members were put on final warning for having too intimate relations in Alec’s office. Sheila Gree, our Head of HR, dealt with them. Oh how ironic for her. It is not too long ago that she was caught in flagrante in there herself – with none other than Alec – during the police raid.
And another was sacked – having been caught on CTV staggering around the offices coming to rest at the desks of various females. Apparently he was seen nose pressed to chairs! And worse, allegedly. There were rumours he had left a very personal deposit in the coffee mug and packet of digestive biscuits owned by one particularly fragrant lady.
But other than the Christmas party and its aftermath, not much seems to have happened other than that Brian Careful has been trying to get hold of me almost non-stop since before Christmas. It sounds like he didn’t believe that I was away. Anyway, he is coming to see me next Monday. I suppose I will have to tell Will Full and Lyle Clean so that they can ‘mind’ me and make sure I don’t speak out of turn about the fraud investigation and what I may or may not know about any wrongdoing or disposal of evidence.